Phew. What a trip. My butt is kicked! I don't have the energy to post much tonight, but suffice to say that Oregon was/is amazing. I'd like to return as soon as I can to start building my yurt out there. I may live in a tipi while the yurt is being constructed. It is the ideal place to go into some deep inner work. I have a few photos, though sadly I did not take many. I have a couple videos also. I will post these at some point I promise.

Montana was ridiculously beautiful. The hot springs and mudbaths were a major highlight of my trip. Getting into a large, natural pit of muddy water in 32 degree weather is scary. When I post the photos, all of you will understand why. But it made my skin feel great!

San Francisco was so so charming, but I found myself wanting to get back to the woods with a quickness. If I had found SF 5 years ago, I'd have already moved. But nowadays its deep in the mountains on slow time that assuages me. I did have a fantastic time with some very dear friends though. We ate at a great place called Anchor and Hope; if you are ever in SF go get the large raw platter and the oxtail and bone marrow. Yummy. Oh, and I saw "Point Break" the play. It was fucking awesome. They pick a different Keanu from the audience each night, put him in a wet suit, and give him small one line cue cards to read. It was hysterical. Directed by the movie director nonetheless! Major thumbs up.

Adrenal fatigue makes it hard to travel a lot, I have found. All day of being in airport really kicks the shit out of me. I am still recovering. Wednesday I will be making a stop into Atlanta for a week before heading down to Jax Beach for Thanksgiving. Then it's back up to Asheville. Costa Rica is being held until after the holidays probably as I really really need to be in once spot for a minute.

Photos and videos and such to come!

I hope everyone in LJ land is well! XO

Today is my last day at work, and I am super excited. I can't wait to be done with it! This gives me 1.5 weeks to tie up all my loose ends and see people before I leave. Hopefully I can get the loose ends part done this week and have the remaining time for relaxation and hedonism.

I still have a dining set to sell, so if you or anyone you know in the Atlanta area needs one, please let me know.

My confirmed schedule so far is:

Oct 1 - Atlanta to Asheville
Oct 4 - Asheville to Raleigh
Oct 5 - Raleigh to Medford to Selma
Nov 5 - Selma to Medford to Raleigh to Asheville
Later in November - Asheville to Costa Rica (staying for a month or so?)

Lots a movin about!

If anyone would like to celebrate with me tonight or later in the week, gimme call.

Peace.

So it looks like Val and I are more than likely headed to southern Oregon for the month of October with a quick trip to Montana in the middle. We plan to make our trip for Costa Rica in November, as we'd like to stay for about 4 weeks.

This will be the first Thanksgiving I have ever spent without my family. I am going to miss my mother's food fiercly, but I think the tropics of Central America will take the sting out of that ;)

Pending on how things go, we may just travel back and forth between Costa Rica and Oregon for a few years to circumvent legal residency issues until we have enough to legally "retire" for a while.

I am selling all my belongings this month. Saturday September 12th I will be having a yard sale. If you need home goods, women's clothes, electronics, good books, furniture, etc please come by. 8am-4pm email if you'd like my address.

Saw an old friend last night who had shaved her head. She looked fabulous with it. Really made me miss having mine shaved. Might consider it once I get to Costa Rica so I dont ever have to worry about my hair. Because seriously, my hair sucks. A flat iron or enough time to naturally get it to curl up good are the only things that make it bareable.

I'm starting a new blog, a *real* blog. But until it's up, I will be posting here to keep record so I can transfer any worthy material to my new site. Once the site is up, I will be posting that URL here for you all to enjoy. I will be collaborating on this new site with my travel companion Val (aliases yet to be determined). It will cover our preparation for, move to, and settling in and sustainability in Costa Rica.

There will also be some sort of fund-raising efforts on the site for those inspired to throw us a dollar or five.

I will be moving to North Carolina to join Val in about 2 months. We will live together there until we move southward. Since the living situation will be ideal, I think we are going to take our time getting prepared and not try to rush things by moving in February, but maybe more into the summer. We have a lot of Spanish to learn and money to save.

There are several components we have decided on to aid us in the challenge of learning a foreign language quickly:
1) Having a Spanish tutor come by the house once a week
2) Studying our Rosetta Stone software relentlessly
3) Post-it note labeling everything in the house
4) Eventually having certain days during the week that we only communicate in Spanish.

Of all the books I have been recommended or sought out myself so far, the most practical, applicable, extensive, and invaluable one has turned out to be Carla Emery's Encyclopedia of Country Living (I have the 9th edition). There's everything from making fruit leathers to slaughtering chickens to catching a pig to making your own skin care products to growing just about anything you can think of. I have been pouring over it at great length.

I have been checking out yurts online (which is what we will be building for our homes). I have found some amazing photos that have inspired me. I am quite giddy thinking about buiding my own home:

http://blogs.salon.com/0002007/images/yurt.jpg
http://ursispaltenstein.ch/blog/images/uploads_img/yurt.jpg
http://www.unchartedoutposts.com/resource/slideshows/africa/tanzania/Nduara%20Loliondo-Loliondo%20Seregenti/09%20interior%20yurt.JPG


Val and I should be making our 2 week visit to CR in a month. We will be checking out land while we are there. We'd like to get somewhere around 10 acres with the ability to expand in the future, but we'll see what we can afford.

I'll be sure to take tons of photos for your viewing pleasure!

I might be moving to Costa Rica closer to January or February. Once I go down for my visit in 6-8 weeks I will have things a little more in order.

Basically, I have to start cramming like a MF on my Spanish. I need to be close to fluent in about 6 months. We'll see how far I can get.

I'm also contemplating moving to Asheville after I get back from my visit trip to CR, but I have not decided on that yet. I would have to move fast on finding a replacement for my home (on a month to month lease but Theo lives here kinda and I don't want him to have to move). I would also need to sell all my belongings in about 2 months. We'll see.

I will be moving to Puerto Quepos, which is centrally located on the pacific coast. Apparently there are a lot of palm farms and such in that area. Once my dear friend and travel companion Valerie finds some land to buy, we intend to raise our own cattle for beef and keep other animals as well (thank god she's done that before because I sure haven't, and I am eager to learn). I am super excited thinking about all the gardening I get to do. We will be growing as much of our own food as we can. I also want a rather extensive medicinal herb garden. And if I can find a white peacock for cheap, I'm totally getting one.

If things go well, once I get settled, all are welcome to come visit. I intend on keeping an extensive blog here about my travels and adventures with lots of pictures, so maybe my Live Journal will finally liven up and be worth following :)

So the largest thing in my life right now is Costa Rica. It's all I can think about lately. I've made a good friend and travel buddy, and we are trying to get down there in 1 year. If I start selling drugs or something, who knows, maybe sooner.

It's the only thing I can see clearly in my life right now; it's like I've got tunnel vision. Nothing else is bringing me inspiration and drive really. It's been this mounting desire inside of me for so long, to get out of the country, go travel and start a new kind of life, start a real adventure, that everything seems to be paling in it's light. I am trying to stay grounded and not get swept away by the fierceness of my momentum toward this, but holy crap I can't wait to go.

Some good connections have been made for a probable job and so forth, though eventually I just want to be living off the grid all the way. I've been doing a lot of research on US expats and such; I've even started Spanish Rosetta Stone Level 1. I want to make it through level 3 before I get down there if I can.

Hope everyone in LJ land is well.

For the first time in a long time, I know I've finally done something right.

I had somehow put myself in situations in which I felt afraid to suffer. I see now why it hurt so badly to try to act normal during my rock bottom breakdown. I was afraid to suffer in front of people, specifically the man that I loved.

And since I am a creature that suffers, I lost a lot of identity in this fear. Granted, the degree of suffering I was facing was daunting to say the least, but I was not made to feel free to suffer.

I have remembered how suffering can be beautiful and necessary, and that not all people run from those who suffer. Some, infact, help you feel less afraid to suffer. I'm holding out for just such a person :)

Henry died. I thought all fish floated to the top when they died. He sunk to the bottom.

I had a fun impromptu night out at the Pony on Easter Sunday. Thanks guys; I had a good time ;)

I'm moving into my new place soon (end of the month). I'm excited. I'm not a fan of condos. I couldn't sleep all night (I laid down at 10:30pm and didn't fall asleep until 4am, hearing drunk people stumble home from the bars), then construction started right outside my window at 8:30am for an hour, then garbage trucks or something really loud was bashing around, then a loud police-like knock at my door jolted me awake at 10am with a letter saying that they were going to be doing MORE fire alarm testing between 10:15-10:30 that morning (which they did not do), then I waited on a dishwasher repairman that never came then I had to get ready and go to work. Fuck.

I'm going to bed.

Peace.

Henry is either sick, old and about to die, or both. He looks pitiful. I'm changing his water every four or five days to keep him clean but it doesn't appear to be helping.

Someone needs to make a fluffy pet that never sheds, doesn't smell, and always wants to cuddle.

Many many last minute things are coming to a head in my current home and future home. God knows how it'll all get done in time. I'm sick of painting I know that. It slipped put of my mouth before I could help myself that I would help my future landlord paint the interior of my new house. I should have just kept my mouth shut bc I'm working the whole time he's going to be in town. Dunno when I can help him anyway.

I do not even want to go into the other area of my life bc it's kind of pitiful looking, just like Henry, and it's frustrating and starting to feel a little bit silly. I mean, how difficult is it to be with someone you love? I ask ppl I know that are married or close to it about if one person didn't want children. And you know what these men say, these men that are happy and so ok with being committed to their loves? They say " that shouldn't matter really. You love the person, you don't love them or be with them just bc they can bare your children. You find someone you truly love and you spend your life with them and figure the rest out."

EXACTLY. And that's not what I'm hearing. So what does that tell me? Im trying to be understanding and loving and open-minded and supportive and caring but it gets hard sometimes. What if I'm waiting on a bus that's never coming? I feel pitiful (and ridiculous) just like Henry. Cept I'm not dying and junk.

But on the whole I'm ok. I've got new things coming into my life and I'm not as sick as I was last year.

I did have a dream my work started doing mental evals though and I was very worried I'd lose my job. Haha!

Smiling

:)

I've been eating my weight in pork and veggie Chinese dumplings, and I'm still keeping weight off. I went from the last hole on my belt to making a new one at the front. Alright!

I had a date Monday afternoon. It was nice :) I think I'm going to see him again. I was also left 2 men's phone numbers from the same group of customers at work the other night.

I scored a great renting deal on a house in East Atlanta Village. It's on a double lot so I have more than enough room for a garden. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a giant hottub there too. I should be moving toward the end of April.

Work is going alright but it's a lot of work for not that great of money. I'm hoping to get more softscaping work going so I can cut my hours to a minimum. I also miss getting up. I also miss getting up really early.

I am so stoked it's gardening time because I've been on the verge of losing my mind. It will be so cleansing to get down into the earth again. The spring rain this week has been invigorating! The azaleas and cherry trees are beautiful right now. I'm going to try to get some rare tomato seeds this year. I particularly want to grow black tomatoes. Yum yum!

Happy spring everyone!

I'm thinking of getting a scooter to have this summer. 49cc, no more than $1000, will buy used.

Any recommendations? I know nothing about scooter brands except that a new Vespa is probably more than I want to spend.

My friend and former employer is bringing me down to Jax Beach for one night to celebrate his lady's surprise birthday party this Friday. I am excited to get to celebrate her birthday with her, as she is a delightfully intriguing woman, and it will be good to see some of the Hashrocket folk.

So I had to postpone the date. Not too broken up about that one. Dates are always crap in my opinion. But who knows, maybe it will turn out to be awesome.

Job is going fine.

I need a new car very soon. I swear she's gonna crap out on me one of these days. I'm still seriously considering getting a truck.

That is all to report.

If I'm not working this Sunday, I'm going to join the Atlanta Hunger Walk that afternoon. My company (Fifth Group) will be walking, so I think I might join them. They are having a 2 hour party afterward at El Taco (free good foods and booze!) for those who joined the Hunger Walk. If I'm going, if anyone would like to join me, please do. It'll be good times for a good cause. Unfortunately, the truth is that I think feeding the hungry is something that makes us feel good immediately, but really, considering the way we reproduce, its pointless. I used to want to feed hungry children long ago, but then I actually thought about it.

Anyway, I still like doing things for charity. Even if it's not resolving anything, it will bring moments of assuagence to starving people if nothing else.

Speaking of thinning people, as of this morning, I have lost 20 lbs from my heaviest ever. (I haven't been eating much the past week though, this prob accounts for some of it.) But Woot! nonetheless.

Also, I have a date this week. Woah. :)

Over the past couple years, the things I have experienced and felt have led me to strongly theorize that Chaos is the true force of the cosmos.

Let me say that I have always respected Chaos as the preceding force from which all of our reality came. However, I think I had the illusion that since Order came out of the Chaos and we happened, that somehow pure Order (Fate, Divine Purpose and Circumstance, Karma) was what mainly ruled our realities, because how can we exist in utter Chaos?

I thought that Fate was real. Karma was real. I thought everything I did happened for a reason and was preordained somehow, and all actions made sense somehow in the Universe. Even the bad actions made sense, somehow, and that was how I felt ok in the world: by seeing the sense in everything. Even the crappy shit. I do not see as much sense any longer.

Well, the idea had been creeping into me for sometime, but really when my drastic change of self that I still can't explain started happening last year, I started to see that Chaos was, in fact, the ultimate supersedure. My life is governed by Chaos, and I better start getting used to it. The changes my spirit, mind, and body made without my concious consent, well, I do not feel that was Fate. That was Chaos happening. Then the last person I loved in a way I probably won't ever see again, all the things that I went through within myself to allow that to happen, all the inner obstacles I overcame and walls I tore down to get there, how good of a thing I thought it was, only to have it throw into the garbage, that was not Fate. That was Chaos happening. I do not see a Divine Purpose in these events (and believe me, I've looked. Hard.); I just see that they happened and I now have the aftermath to try to mold into a livable life. I've got some good and bad things out of it, and I've lost some good and bad things into it. My psychological explosion back in the summer 08 was what really triggered a lot of this. Everything that happened afterward seems like the destruction that happens in the shockwave of such an explosion.

In regards to having a breakup, I just fall back on my normal routine, meaningless sex until it doesn't hurt anymore. Eventhough it seems arbitrary to me now as an adult. I've added new, more profound things to my coping mechanism, but they are harder to explain.

In regards to my psychological change, my physical change, and everything else change, well, I honestly don't know. I'm just living each day of my life hoping one day I'll do something that will make everything make sense again. Chaos has been the dominating force in my life for a while, by a fucking landslide, and I guess I just never realized how powerful of a force it was until now. I thought somehow my form, formed from Order (out of Chaos), was a kind of buffer to Chaos, that we products of Order can keep Chaos in check. I have realized this to be folly on the whole. When Chaos wants to sweep in like a dark blanket and run as a bull through your china shop of an existence, it will.

So I'm trying to make better friends with Chaos. Maybe understand some of it from the inside and then be able to manage it in a way that I can breathe a little better. Come to understand it so that I may restore a truer Order to my life and balance both the beauty of Chaos and Order at work in a deeper way.

I got a job in the Highlands. They're only open 5pm-10pm, so I will still have the time to pursue my horticultural interests.

Yay

I saw the new Friday the 13th last night. Beforehand, my companion and I came upon the only place serving booze in the area, which was a rather loud mariachi place filled with mexicans with either very large hats or very tight white jeans. We got patted down at the door, and I allowed myself one can of Tecate (it was ice cold and f'in delicious).

I don't recognize today's holiday. I never really have. I think it's a load of crap. I think the only time I recognized it other than my mother being awesome and giving me a basket of chocolate and telling me she loved me every year as a child, was when I was 16 and my drunk bastard of a boyfriend at the time got wasted at the bar because he was old enough to drink and I wasnt so he made me drive him around all the time. I recognized it then because I thought how terrible it was I got called a stupid whore for no reason on Valentine's Day by someone who was supposed to love me. Then I thought that it was terrible no matter what and Valentine's Day should not invoke love and affection, life should invoke love and affection. That was my stint with VDay. Since then, I have opted out of celebrating a holiday that comprises of propaganda, women's excuses to get that engagement ring, and lonely single people to feel like crap about their life and get wasted. All of the men I have dated have seemed pretty darn alright with treating the day like any other.

I need to finish painting the apt today.

I haven't heard from the job yet, and I'm not sure why because I KNOW I charmed the pants off of that manager. His pupils were big and everything.

I think out of the last year, I've worked 2 or 3 months. Jesus. Well, at least I had time for my nervous breakdown of sorts that started in the summer and well, dragged on and on and still sometimes nips at my coattails. But christ I'm going crazy. I am so excited about working again it's ridiculous. I don't even care what I'm doing anymore.

I've lost a little bit of weight. 15 lbs from my heaviest actually. About 10-15 more and I should be back in size 7s. I haven't been exercising at all either, so I'm hoping with my start of pilates and hopefully swimming soon, I can drop that weight without too big of a fight.

So, I felt bad about that nastiness in my last post. I felt even worse once I got called out on it. I felt like a horse's ass. The one time I publically say something hateful in regards to my recent breakup I regret it immediately. I really digressed. Its something I would have said years ago, not the woman I am now and try to be all the time.

Please cross your fingers for me; I need this job.

In other news, I might be moving to East Atlanta in a couple months. I'm going to go by friend's house and check her place out. She needs a housemate, and she's got an acre (in EAV, I know!); I would have lots of room to garden.

I want to move far away, but other things need to be done first. Also, I think about wanting to be somewhere warmer, but not Florida and not desert that is still in the US (for now). Where to go? Maybe I should move to Hawaii for a bit. Eh.

In other other news, my ex boyfriend has my patio furniture at his house. He said he would deliver it but has not corresponded with me about for a couple months now and seems to be ignoring my attempts at communication about it. It saddens me every time when people have this knack for showing how much integrity they really have when they aren't sticking their dick in you anymore.

I'm not quite sure if I'm pissed about it or just mildly irritated, but frustration on this is starting to run a bit high. I really just want the last reason to ever have to speak to him eliminated, and he's making that very difficult. There's no hate, I really just try and not waste time looking backwards, ya know?

In other other other news, absolutely nothing.